You know, here's the problem... At this point, I want to be pregnant so if I'm not, I'm going to be disappointed. But how can I want something that I shouldn't want? Also, if I'm not pregnant, I can't want to try to get pregnant because it really isn't a good time. So, I kind of feel bad for wanting these things..

I only have one pill left to take and then we will see if there is a baby growing inside of me or not.. This stuff is way to stressful to be dealing with right now!

So, one of the things that makes me think that I'm preggo is the fact that I am Highly emotional... As in, I feel like I want to cry at random times for no apparent reason and I get angry/snappy for no apparent reason. For instance, last night I cooked dinner and cupcakes. Afterwards, I put all the dishes in the sink because I was trying to keep my mess cleaned up. Well, Chris had to clean his fish tanks out and in order to do that, he has to hook up a syphon hose to the kitchen sink. So, he asked me to put the dishes in the dishwasher and I went off... I got so mad at him for asking me to do that one simple thing. Granted, it was a little bit frustrating that he couldnt just do it himself after I had taken the time to make him dinner and dessert... but, there really was no reason for me to get that upset with him... He didnt really do anything bad...

After that happened, I sat on the couch for quite some time by myself and just felt like crying... I was no longer mad... that's ridiculous... my emotions should not be that crazy.
Although, if I'm not preggo, then my emotional crap would make sense because generally the week before 'that time of the month' I get really emotional and fkd up... So, I dont know. We'll see what happens in a couple of days... I'm going to try to not take a test until I actually miss that time... But then if I do start, I'm going to be highly disappointed... ugh...

baby bump... maybe?

Nausea, random cravings, headaches, bloating, gas, tired, dizziness, frequent urination, sore boobs... yeah, I'm thinking there's a child growing inside of me... and its stressing me the fk out!
I took a preggo test on Saturday or something but it came back negative... but, I'm pretty sure it was way too early to get a good reading.
Now I'm stressing myself out wondering if it is or it isn't and I have to wait for another 4 or 5 days before I can know! ugh... Then, if I'm not, I gotta figure out why I'm having all these problems...
And if I am, OMG... wtf am I going to do with a kid?! I'm not even married... Hell, I'm not even engaged! I can't even get my boyfriend to say he plans to marry me at some point in his life... I feel like I'm pretty much screwed... As fun as it would be to tell my child "yeah, your daddy and I only got married b/c I got pregnant with you"... I always told myself I would never be that person but, it's kind of looking like I may not have any choice... That is, if he even decides he wants to marry me if I am carrying his child... Ugh...

I mean, I keep telling myself that the reasone he won't talk much about getting married is b/c he plans to surprise me with a ring when we go to Florida in about 18 days... But, what if he doesn't ask while we're there?? We've been dating for 1 year, 4 months, and 1 day today and I would think that by this time, he'd know if he wants me in his life or not. We have been living together officially for 3.5 months... Actually, for the first time since the very beginning of our relationship we're getting along great! We hardly ever argue and we seem like we're caring for one another more and more... I don't know, maybe that's all in my head. For all I know, he's completely miserable and can't wait to get rid of me.

But the thing is, the past two times we have gone over his mother's house, his little brother (who is 8) has asked Chris if he and I are going to get married... Chris' response: "I don't know if I can put up with her that long"... WTF is that?! and then when he starts telling me that I'm going to have kids and I start asking about our future, he says he "hasn't decided if he wants to marry me or not"... seriously?!

So, to say the least, I am stressed. I'm to the point now that if he can't commit to me then I'm going to have to give him an ultimatum... I mean, I never thought I'd be the chick living with my boyfriend and not even knowing for sure if we're going to be engaged and eventually get married... I've always felt that living together is a sure sign of an unstable relationship that is just destined to fail... But, here I am... And there he is being all indecisive... How am I supposed to deal with that?!

Then to think we might be bringing a child into this disfunction?? Yeah, what a way to be at ease and okay with being pregnant. Plus, I'm still in college! I'll have my associate's degree in October and if I'm not pregnant, I will have my bachelor's degree in September of next year... I just wanted to be able to finish school, get married, and then start a family. Not start a family, finish school, then get married...

FUCK!

My life seriously is not supposed to be like this... and the thing is, I really want to be carrying a child at this point... Like, if I take a test in less than a week and it comes back negative, I'm going to seriously be disappointed... But what right do I have to be disappointed about a test when I can't really even decide if having a child would be a good thing for anyone involved right now...

Oh, and Chris' solution to all of this... "don't worry about it. It will be okay. It's not like you can do anything about it right now anyways".. Yeah, cuz all of that is a hell of a lot of help! not... I don't need him to tell me it's all going to be okay. I need him to show me it's all going to be okay. I mean hell, he can't even take me out to a decent dinner date anymore... How can I expect him to step away from modifying his car long enough to make sure a baby and a family are cared for??

I mean, I know he makes more than enough money that he could easily provide for a child but, I know that I don't make more than enough money to provide for a child so he will be the one doing the biggest part of the financial providing and I think he will hold that against me... which I really don't think is fair. It's not my fault that I am in school full time right now and working full time and I don't have time for a second job and I'm not healthy enough to go back to refereeing basketball games...

Shit! He works making like 3 or 4 dollars more an hour than I do and then works a second job... If I could do something like that you better believe I would. I hate knowing that I need to depend on someone else for money and shit...

But whatever... that is my rant for right now... If I figure anything new out, I might post it on here... but this shit is stressful!!

Life is a Struggle

Why is it that I always find myself in a spot where I begin to question nearly everything that I thought I knew...

You know, I thought I had found my future. I thought I could see the rest of my life spread out right in front of me..

Now I realize that all I was seeing was the future I hoped I would one day have.

I thought I had the perfect guy, the perfect relationship. But then I started realizing things weren't what I tried to make myself believe they were.

Come to find out, this fairy tale relationship I wanted to believe I had found, really only existed where fairy tales belong, in my imagination.

When I dream of "prince charming" I dont picture this perfect guy, with perfect facial features, rich, and wearing white...

My version of prince charming simply includes a guy who is attractive, can handle my high-strung personality, and wants to take care of me.

I never realized that finding such a guy would be so trying. I for some reason thought every guy would want to take care of and support their partner... I was wrong...

I find myself in a place now where I'm not sure what to do. I could stay in a relationship that has potential but I'm not sure how much or I could give up what I've worked on for the past year and a half and move on to something that may or may not be better.

The problem is, I'm not sure the next guy would really be any better. I mean, I'm 23 years old and I've already been divorced and now I'm in a long-term relationship that seems to be turning into a relationship just as bad as the marriage... Is that possible?

The thing is, when I'm sick he kind of takes care of me. He gets me drinks and stuff... and when I went through a spot where I really had no money at all, he was buying all my lunches and dinners and stuff. He even paid for gas at times.

The frustrating part is that last summer, he rotated my tires and he saw that I really needed brakes and here it is, nearly a year later and I still need brakes. I haven't had the money to buy my brakes and he has never once offered to buy them for me.

Keep in mind, I work full time and I'm going to school full time. Plus, he and I just bought a house... He works full time and has a job on the side that just requires him to work for maybe an hour or so on some weekends.

He makes a lot more money than I do and seems to always have plenty of money to spend on his car but I don't feel like he's ever willing to spend money on me.

Granted, I'm not the type of chick that wants a guy to spend all kinds of money on me. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I mean, I moved out on my own (no roommates) a week before my 19th birthday and made it just fine.

I just figured that if he and I were working on moving toward a future and living together then he would want to make sure I was provided for. For instance, my one pair of black dress shoes that I wear to work are now coming apart. He noticed them and made fun of them. I told him I didnt have the money to buy new ones and he just didnt care.

Another example, I've unfortunately gained some weight and only two pairs of my work pants fit me now and I've specifically said that I need new work pants but I cant afford them and he doesnt offer any money for new ones or anything when he has money to buy an X Box 360 and new side skirts for his car.

Well, he and I had a conversation about money not too long ago and he told me that if I ever need anything then all I have to do is ask and he would probably not care. He says he just doesnt get the subtle hints...

I guess this should be fine for me and it shouldnt be big deal to have to ask for money but seriously, for someone who has been caring for themselves and being independent since they were 19, how would I be able to actually ask someone, even him, for money??

The problem is, I want him to see that I'm in need or see that I'm struggling and want to help me out. I want someone who wants me to be their number one priority. Someone who will take care of my needs before being concerned with theirs.

I'm the type of person that if someone I care about needs something, I will give my last penny to provide something for them. For instance, I went to buy myself a shirt when I got my income taxes back and I knew I didnt have but maybe $50 to spend on myself and while I was supposed to be shopping for myself, I found myself looking in the guys department for a shirt or something for him.

I had to check myself while I was at the store because I remembered that if the roles were reversed, whether he had tons of money or not, he would never think to look to buy me something. He would go and buy whatever he wanted for himself and I would never even cross his mind.

So I dont know what to do. I'm stuck. I dont want to ruin something that could be great but at the same time, I dont want to be stuck in a relationship where I dont even feel like its a partnership. I feel like we are living together but living separate lives. We dont work as a team.

At the same time, I just dont want to make a bad decision and end up losing what I have now. But what if by losing what I have now, I would gain something even better? I guess I'll never really know.

I guess that's part of life. You have to take chances, make mistakes and just make sure you find yourself happy.

Maybe thats where a lot of the problem lies, I have yet to find myself. I have submerged myself into my studies and maybe I'm doing that simply so I can get lost in school and not have to face the rest of life going on around me...

You know what's really pathetic? I just spent all kinds of time typing this and pretty much nobody ever reads my blog and I dont allow the one person who needs to see this the opportunity to read my thoughts.

Guess thats my fault. Maybe I'm more hidden than I care to admit.

Nightmare...

So, last night I had this awful dream (nightmare)... In the dream I was walking into some sort of store that was in a strip mall type of place... It was in front of a main road and there was this girl that looked a few years older than me with long brown hair and dressed in khakis and a button down shirt... and for some reason she was blocking me from going into the store. She sorta freaked me out so I turned around only to find this really, really big black guy standing in my way.... they wouldnt let me go anywhere. All of a sudden this old guy shows up. Not a scrawny old guy but he looked sorta like the professor in back to the future just with a mean face... actually, kinda reminds me of the pictures of the guy that took the Smart girl...
Anyways, the old man got me and tried to put me in his car. I started yelling and screaming and some guy that was driving down the road pulled out a shotgun and tried to shoot the old man but missed and then realized he was out of shotgun shells and simply drove off... So the old man put me in his car... Then we drove somewhere to get gas but the gas station was, for some reason, in a neighborhood so when he went to pay for the gas I hurried and got out of the car and ran as fast as I could to the neighbor's house. I tried to ring the doorbell but nobody answered so I simply tried the door and the screen door and the storm door both opened... I went in to find a guy in his 40s sitting on an old 60's recliner watching an old TV and drinking a can of beer. I hurriedly explained to him that I had been kidnapped and I think the guy is going to kill me. This guy went and got me a shotgun just in time because the old guy was now in the house. The guy in his 40s didnt offer to try and shoot the old man for me so I tried to shoot him and missed and didn't have time to load another shell so I tried to beat the old man with the shotgun but it didnt work. The old man still managed to drag me out of the house and back into his car.
Somehow in my dream I managed to make a call to my mom while I was in the old man's car and was able to tell her some of what was going on and I tried to explain to her where I was so she could come get me... By the time I was explaining the intersection, the old man pulled the car over and began to try to choke me. I remember screaming in my dream and then crying and telling my mom that I loved her very much and asking her to tell my dad and brother that I loved both of them very much... I dont remember what happened after that...
All I know is that I woke up and remember all that... WTF?! why would i remember all that in such detail... Like, I can remember what kind of furniture was in the 40 year old guy's house and how cluttered it was and the wayne's coating on the walls and the old TV he was watching along with all the magazines that were strewn around the room... I can see exactly how his screen door looked and his porch... Why the heck would I know that much detail about my horrible nightmare... ugh... so not a good start to the day...

I Know It's Been a While...

So, I know I havent written anything in quite some time but, I've been extremely busy... We finally got to move into our house!! We havent gotten to close on it yet b/c of issues with the bank and stuff... real annoying piddly shit that should have been completely avoided. But, nonetheless, we moved all of his stuff in this past weekend and this weekend coming up, we're moving all of my stuff in. Actually, everyday this week we're going to my apartment to pack up everything... It could take a while... But, the first thing I would like to do would be to get my rabbits out of that apartment... I'm so worried that my landlord is going to try and do something to them... ugh...

But, we havent even gotten to unpack anything yet... it has just been ridiculous. Basically, since there were issues with the bank, we didnt want to start unpacking stuff just in case they come back and say we dont get the house and we have to move or something stupid... also, we dont have a refrigerator or a stove or a dishwasher... the dishwasher we can do without but no fridge and no stove?! we have been eating fast food for about a week now... I'm so sick of fast food... it costs money I dont like to spend, its fattening, and makes my belly hurt... but, soon, very soon we'll have our house!! i'm so freaking excited!!!!!! :)

Well, I'll post more soon once we get the house and get some things organized :)

Buying a House Makes my Emotions Crazy!!

So, yesterday we were soooo excited because we were told that we were going to be able to close Friday at 5:00.. We were super stoked!!

Well, we get a call early this morning telling us that we're probably going to have to wait an additional 24-48 hours to close because something to do with KHC they're wanting to "sit on it for a while"... WTF?! Why the hell do they need to "sit on it"??? I mean, haven't we been waiting long enough??

So, today I went ahead and called the electric company and the water company and told them that we need our utilities turned on by Monday... Wishful thinking I guess... But I did also call the current owners of the house to let them know we still want to get into that house... we're just waiting on stupid KHC cuz they don't seem to know what the crap they're doing! And they said they are completely moved out... so that's a good thing. Now we're going to hopefully try and get them to let us move in early; as in, we won't close until at least Monday but maybe they'll be okay with us moving in this weekend anyways... cuz Chris has to be out of his current house technically tomorrow... It's just extraordinarily frustrating...

I mean, we get so excited because we're getting a house and we're going to get to move and all that but then, we're stuck... we're told we cant do anything... its just a whirlwind of emotions... from happy to angry...

But, anyways, I'm sure I'll write again once we're in the house :)

Why Does Sickness Follow Me??

Everyone is already fully aware of the fact that the beginning of this year has been less than spectacular for me...

And now, to pile on top of an already shitty new year, I'm sick. Not horribly sick... just sick enough that I'm feeling quite cranky, can't quite breathe right, feel dizzy lightheaded and weak, and I just want to lay around in bed all day... See, I spent most of my weekend in bed or close to that... I slept in on Saturday and then we went to Chris's aunt and uncle's house where I mostly just sat around on the couch and halfway talked to everyone... Then we got home Saturday night and I just got in bed and turned on Food Network (my TV channel of choice). We missed church Sunday because I was still feeling like crap and I stayed in bed until like 1:00 in the afternoon. And the only reason I got up at 1 was because Chris's little brother was over and my puppy wouldnt stop barking. So, I got up and watched The Incredibles with them for a while. Then I decided to take a shower so I could try to get my day started... bad idea...

When I took my shower I had to take a pretty fast one because as I was standing there underneath the warm water that is usually very comforting, I started feeling really dizzy and thought I was going to pass out. So, I got out of the shower, turned Food Network on again and layed down. I eventually fell asleep... I didnt get up again until maybe 4:30 and that's because I wanted to go out to my apartment to try and pack some stuff since we should be moving next week and I have nothing packed. But, we got to my apartment and I just went through some clothes and then decided I didnt feel like being there anymore and just wanted to go home and get into bed. But, we went to El Nopal for dinner (it was quite scrumptious) and then went home and played Super Mario Bros. 3 on Wii and went to bed...

I woke up this morning feeling okay but then in the shower, the same stupid thing happened, I had to hurry out because I couldnt breathe. But this time, since I had to go to work this morning, I couldn't go to sleep... I had to make myself get up and get dressed... So, I made it to work and didnt have breakfast so now I'm sitting here starving, feeling really dizzy and lightheaded (seriously seeing spots and blurred vision) and I really just cant wait to get out of this place. I feel like crap... I want to go home and sit on the couch the rest of the night and play some Wii then go to bed and hopefully I'll feel better in the morning cuz this seriously blows!
But, on the bright side, I get to eat lunch in 40 minutes... thats not really too far away, I guess...

And tentatively, we will be closing on our house on Friday! :) That would be super awesome but, since most places recognize Martin Luther King Day as an actual holiday, the banks are closed and we won't know anything about the house until tomorrow... :(