Life is a Struggle

Why is it that I always find myself in a spot where I begin to question nearly everything that I thought I knew...

You know, I thought I had found my future. I thought I could see the rest of my life spread out right in front of me..

Now I realize that all I was seeing was the future I hoped I would one day have.

I thought I had the perfect guy, the perfect relationship. But then I started realizing things weren't what I tried to make myself believe they were.

Come to find out, this fairy tale relationship I wanted to believe I had found, really only existed where fairy tales belong, in my imagination.

When I dream of "prince charming" I dont picture this perfect guy, with perfect facial features, rich, and wearing white...

My version of prince charming simply includes a guy who is attractive, can handle my high-strung personality, and wants to take care of me.

I never realized that finding such a guy would be so trying. I for some reason thought every guy would want to take care of and support their partner... I was wrong...

I find myself in a place now where I'm not sure what to do. I could stay in a relationship that has potential but I'm not sure how much or I could give up what I've worked on for the past year and a half and move on to something that may or may not be better.

The problem is, I'm not sure the next guy would really be any better. I mean, I'm 23 years old and I've already been divorced and now I'm in a long-term relationship that seems to be turning into a relationship just as bad as the marriage... Is that possible?

The thing is, when I'm sick he kind of takes care of me. He gets me drinks and stuff... and when I went through a spot where I really had no money at all, he was buying all my lunches and dinners and stuff. He even paid for gas at times.

The frustrating part is that last summer, he rotated my tires and he saw that I really needed brakes and here it is, nearly a year later and I still need brakes. I haven't had the money to buy my brakes and he has never once offered to buy them for me.

Keep in mind, I work full time and I'm going to school full time. Plus, he and I just bought a house... He works full time and has a job on the side that just requires him to work for maybe an hour or so on some weekends.

He makes a lot more money than I do and seems to always have plenty of money to spend on his car but I don't feel like he's ever willing to spend money on me.

Granted, I'm not the type of chick that wants a guy to spend all kinds of money on me. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I mean, I moved out on my own (no roommates) a week before my 19th birthday and made it just fine.

I just figured that if he and I were working on moving toward a future and living together then he would want to make sure I was provided for. For instance, my one pair of black dress shoes that I wear to work are now coming apart. He noticed them and made fun of them. I told him I didnt have the money to buy new ones and he just didnt care.

Another example, I've unfortunately gained some weight and only two pairs of my work pants fit me now and I've specifically said that I need new work pants but I cant afford them and he doesnt offer any money for new ones or anything when he has money to buy an X Box 360 and new side skirts for his car.

Well, he and I had a conversation about money not too long ago and he told me that if I ever need anything then all I have to do is ask and he would probably not care. He says he just doesnt get the subtle hints...

I guess this should be fine for me and it shouldnt be big deal to have to ask for money but seriously, for someone who has been caring for themselves and being independent since they were 19, how would I be able to actually ask someone, even him, for money??

The problem is, I want him to see that I'm in need or see that I'm struggling and want to help me out. I want someone who wants me to be their number one priority. Someone who will take care of my needs before being concerned with theirs.

I'm the type of person that if someone I care about needs something, I will give my last penny to provide something for them. For instance, I went to buy myself a shirt when I got my income taxes back and I knew I didnt have but maybe $50 to spend on myself and while I was supposed to be shopping for myself, I found myself looking in the guys department for a shirt or something for him.

I had to check myself while I was at the store because I remembered that if the roles were reversed, whether he had tons of money or not, he would never think to look to buy me something. He would go and buy whatever he wanted for himself and I would never even cross his mind.

So I dont know what to do. I'm stuck. I dont want to ruin something that could be great but at the same time, I dont want to be stuck in a relationship where I dont even feel like its a partnership. I feel like we are living together but living separate lives. We dont work as a team.

At the same time, I just dont want to make a bad decision and end up losing what I have now. But what if by losing what I have now, I would gain something even better? I guess I'll never really know.

I guess that's part of life. You have to take chances, make mistakes and just make sure you find yourself happy.

Maybe thats where a lot of the problem lies, I have yet to find myself. I have submerged myself into my studies and maybe I'm doing that simply so I can get lost in school and not have to face the rest of life going on around me...

You know what's really pathetic? I just spent all kinds of time typing this and pretty much nobody ever reads my blog and I dont allow the one person who needs to see this the opportunity to read my thoughts.

Guess thats my fault. Maybe I'm more hidden than I care to admit.