Not Having a Very Good Night!!!

Why do men have to be so fucking stupid?!?! Chris and I have been looking at engagement rings and talking about marriage and really have been doing great... Our relationship seriously seems so much stronger now that it has ever been...
We had plans this weekend to go to a car show about three hours away but he didn't try to get a dogsitter for Tipper until today. Well, of course, the sitter wasn't able to watch her this time. I tried to figure out another sitter but I couldn't find one... So, we're going to have to stay in town this weekend. Which, really isn't a big deal except for the fact that there is a local car show going on tomorrow at a strip club parking lot...

This isn't just any strip club... no, this is by far the trashiest strip club we probably have around here. Every person I have ever talked to who has gone in this club says it is a dirty skanky place. So basically, you pay $15 to show your car and it gets you free admission into the club. Well, when the plans were made with his stupid car club I thought, "well, maybe it will somehow bit a bit classier than I am expecting".... Then the flyer came out, it has this fucking slutty ass hooker bitch on the cover in very very short shorts and her legs spread open!! WTF?! That's disgusting..

That being the case, I was excited that we were going to be going out of town. But then he fucked up the dogsitter part so I was thinking we would just be able to still act like we were going out of town and not even bother going to this skanky show... But, that didn't work. Immediately when we got home he responded to the Facebook invitation and said we would be there. I seriously don't want to go b/c these stupid fucking strippers are going to be trying to take pictures on his car or with his car and I'm going to end up being the bitchy girlfriend who doesnt want the sluts on my boyfriend's classy car!

ERRRRRR!!!!!! I am so Fucking Pissed!!! I tried to explain to him that I was upset about having to go and trying to convince him that we don't need to go but he wouldnt really even talk to me. His attitude about it was one like, "Sorry about your luck, that's just how it is"... I can't deal with shit like this...

I don't know... maybe I'm just overly emotional about this but I just really can't stand trashy slutty chicks... Like, they seriously offend me... I just don't understand why he can't seem to respect that. Why couldn't he just tell his stupid friend that he didn't want to attend a car show that would support such a horrible, trashy place?!

I know I'm ranting but DAMNIT!!! I just need to vent b/c he sure as hell won't listen to me. I just feel disrespected... Well anyways, I guess I'm going to stop going on with all this bullshit and try to watch this fucking movie...

School Sucks!!

I am SOOOO ready for school to be over... Between my stressful job and stressful school and actually a stressful home life, I really do not know if I can handle much more.

Tonight I finished up this quarter. I had a presentation to do and I'm pretty sure I fucked it up... I mean, most people would be okay with what I did tonight but, my goal is to make all A's and I already know that I got a B in one of my three classes and now I'm almost positive I made a B in tonight's class. But I did manage to get 100% in my Advanced English Class... Though that doesn't really count for anything...

Well, about 30 minutes after the beginning of my post, I've had 4 shots of tequila and as we can see, I'm entirely capable of making coherent sentences and typing them properly... I think it's time for some green apple vodka... simply b/c we're out of tequila... :'(

Well, I'm sure I'll be posting soon... maybe a little less intoxicated... LOL :)

Birthday does not = Bliss!!

It's official, I hate birthdays! I'm in a HORRIBLE mood today and I literally just want to freaking cry!

So, my birthday was on Sunday and my boyfriend had a big surprise planned... He took me to Cincy to go to the Zoo and took me to Dave & Buster's. It was A LOT of fun! He tried to get my friends to go but every single one of them were too busy... Ugh...

Well, we generally do a birthday week... He had asked me a few weeks before my birthday if I wanted to do my birthday week before or after my birthday and I told him after b/c I wanted my birthday to go on for a while...

Well, he took me out on Sunday for my birthday but didn't actually give me a gift. So, I asked him today when I will get my birthday week gift and he says, "You already got your present". Apparently, my present was him taking me out and apparently he's not going to do my birthday week...

My feelings are seriously hurt. Like, I want to cry... I already got his birthday present and spent more than $250 on his... I just can't believe he didn't really do much for my birthday. All leading up to my birthday he made it seem as though he was going to do something extra spectacular... but when it comes down to it, he took me on a special date and didn't actually do something for my birthday... ERR!!!

Anyways, I guess I do have until Saturday or something before my birthday week is officially over so I'll give him a little bit of time to make up for it but for some reason, I highly doubt that anything good is going to happen...

Seriously?! Don't Kid Yourself!

Seriously?! I cannot believe that was just said...

So, I live in a house with my boyfriend. The house was purchased in only his name because we are not married... that's how we both wanted it to be.
We agreed that since he makes $20 an hour plus has a second job on the weekends making about $120+ a weekend and I only make $15 an hour and go to school full-time, that he would pay $500 a month toward the mortgage and I would pay only $300 a month toward the mortgage. All other bills would be split 50/50.

Well, since we bought our house in February of this year, he qualified for the $8000 tax credit. We both agreed that we needed to both get out of debt and with my tax return I had enough money to pay off all debt except my car and buy a new phone ($80). I also bought myself two shirts with my money...
He had enough money to pay off all his debt except his car and buy an X-Box ($350)... we agreed that we would put the rest of the money back --about $1000-- to go toward our second mortgage.

Soon after him buying his X-Box, he was able to get side skirts for his car. He paid to get them shipped and painted/installed. All the while, I needed an alignment for my car, air filters for my car, 2 lug nuts b/c kids in the neighborhood stole them, and new pants b/c I've gained weight and only have three pairs of work pants.

Now, while I still need all of those things, he spent $400 just today to get an exhaust for his car.

Well, the whole point of this post. He actually made the comment yesterday that he is supporting me!!! Let me break this down... He pay $200 more than I do a month toward the mortgage. He probably pays for groceries twice as often as I do... Our groceries each time we go to the store only ever cost about $20... He almost never takes me out on a date. He never buys me flowers unless I ask for them and he never buys me anything else... How the FUCK is he supporting me?! Seriously?! I have my own student loans that I guaranfuckentee I'll have to pay off myself, I have my car loan that I'm paying myself, I have my own car insurance that I'm paying myself, I pay for my own gas, I pay for my own car parts and fuck I even install most of them, I pay for my own food when I go out... What the fuck does he think he is seriously doing that is above and beyond that qualifies as "supporting me"?!

So, needless to say, that comment pissed me off like no other... I called him out on it and literally told him that I don't appreciate the fact that he actually has the nerve to let himself believe that he is supporting me. You know, my plan has been that if we get married and have kids that I will be the one to continue to work because I plan to be an attorney and I know I will be making a lot of money... I would rather my kids not have to go to daycare so if my husband could stay at home, that would be perfect... Why the fuck would I want to go to work every single day and stress myself out while his stupid ass is at home with the kids probably playing a lot of video games... and me support his ass and his stupid fucking car?! You have got to be outside your mother fucking mind! There's no way in hell I am going to support his ass when he seriously thinks that in some sense of the word he is seriously supporting me...

I think he realized he was full of shit because then he started trying to say that he is supporting me mentally, physically, and emotionally... which as we all know is complete bull shit! He calls me names, makes fun of me, and is a total dick if I dont initiate sex...
After he made that comment I advised that we were talking about monetary support and he said "it's all about the money, isnt it?" like he's trying to change the subject or something... I mean really?! Cuz yeah, we've been together a year and a half and I'm just now getting this pissed about you not really taking care of me...

You know, I think that when I go back and read this at a later time I'm going to want to kick my own ass because if this was one of my friends, I would be telling them to get the fuck out of this relationship as soon as fucking possible. Why the hell am I staying in it then?! ... oh yeah, I can't afford to live on my own... I've been spending money taking my boyfriend out and trying to be the bigger person... big fucking mistake on my part!

So, I guess the plan will have to be to save up as much money as possible because I know in January I will be receiving about $2500 for being in school for my taxes and hopefully at that time I will be able to afford to buy myself a house because this just isn't cutting it for me... I need to have some leverage. I think he takes me for granted and I just can't deal with it anymore...

Part of me just wants to start saying things like, "I'm not paying for the groceries anymore because you're supporting me" or, "I'm not paying for my gas anymore because you're supporting me"... I just want to be a complete asshole about it... but I guess that wouldn't really be right on my part. But gosh! I can't even afford to buy myself a new fucking pair of pants and I have to worry about how much money I have in the bank all the fucking time... FUCK! If I had as much extra money as his does, you better believe I would be spending it on him... What a selfish fucking dick... How can he really sit there and invest that much money in his fucking car and not once ever offer to buy something for me or just let me not pay the mortgage one month or something... Fucking Shit! Why the fuck am I doing this to myself?! I hate men!

Maybe Things Will Work Afterall

Well, Chris and I finally talked last night... about most things. I was able to tell him that he needs to figure out where this relationship is going and that I'm not liking how things are going right now because I don't feel as though they are going anywhere... He seemed pretty receptive to my comments and really tried to listen. It was nice for a change. I also told him that it's really important that he is nicer to me from now on because it hurts my feelings when he's not nice. We also talked about his inability to connect with his emotions. As in, when he feels an emotion, he doesn't actually express it... His feelings come out as smart ass comments and things...
We talked about the fact that we each have our own ways that we feel loved... my ways seem to be by him buying me small things whereas his is me doing things around the house that he has asked me to do. The other day I made it a point to fold and put away all my laundry that was in the baskets (something he had asked me to do) and he didn't even acknowledge that I did it. I told him it hurt my feelings because I did that specifically for him because I could pretty much just live out of the basket. We agreed that he would be offended if he bought me flowers or something and I just didn't acknowledge it.

So, I think we have finally come to a potential turning point. After our conversation was over I went to take a shower. When I got out of the shower he asked me if I would really want to spend the rest of my life with him and I told him that up until real recently when things started to get a bit complicated and weird I did... and I told him that we would definitely need counseling because I don't generally know how to express any emotion other than anger and he doesn't know how to really express any emotions...

I feel a lot better and I feel as though we are actually moving in the right direction. Though there are a couple other small things I want to talk to him about... like his stinginess with his money and not really putting forth a huge effort to take care of me. But, I didn't feel that last night was the time to say anything like that. I felt we had made progress and I didn't want to ruin it.

Hopefully I'll have more to say later...

So, I got through Florida and still didn't receive a ring...
Mad as Hell pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now.
It's not so much that I just want him to propose and I want a ring, it's more that I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. I was believing that the reason he seemed to randomly not have money anymore or the reason he kept making snyde comments about still trying to "figure out" if he wants to marry me or not were simply because he wanted to surprise me with a grand proposal at either the aquarium or on the beach while we watched the sunset together... But I was wrong. I thought too highly of him and expected too much out of him...
Oh yeah, and he had the nerve to make me pay for my ticket to the aquarium... He had told me he was going to "take me" to the aquarium... yeah, obviously his idea of taking me somewhere is me paying and him driving...

But I'm just getting fed up... I mean, he never takes me out on a date and for some reason he thinks it's enough that he buys a lot of the groceries for us. I mean, I make a hell of a lot less than he does plus I have more bills than him. I guess I'm wrong to think he will actually take care of me right now while I'm still in school and I'm the one struggling to pay my bills. And he really thinks that when I am making a lot of money as a judge or an attorney that I'm really going to want to take care of him and let him just sit on his ass all day?!

And then on top of all the things above, he still calls me names (jokingly) like whore or fat or whatever else comes to his stupid mind and he thinks it's just funny and I shouldn't take it personally... He's like a freaking little kid. You know, when you were in middle school and it was cool to be mean to the person you liked... I'm so over it. At this point, I don't even know if I want a ring from him... and he doesn't understand how I feel or at times, even seem to realize there is a problem.

I'm so stressed... I need to talk to him b/c I'm about sick of all this...

The Test

It's been a long time since I have taken a test and felt like I failed it. But, it happened last night.

I got home from work, the dog was still in her crate and Chris was gone to his mother's. I had a horrible headache and felt like I was going to vomit. I decided I would go in and just get this damn test overwith. I peed on the stick, put the lid on and then counted 180 seconds to the time of the clock over my head.

...one pink line...

Somehow, I managed to not really get very emotional about it. Instead, I felt completely numb. Like, I wasn't relieved that I wasn't pregnant but I wasn't sad about it either. I guess that's a good thing. Although, it is still in my mind that I have yet to miss a period so there's still a chance that if the relatives don't come in the next few days then I could take another test and be pregnant.

Although, now that I've taken two tests and they have both come back negative, I'm kind of to the point that I'm okay with not having a baby right now. Granted, last night I went to bed before Chris and I just kind of layed there crying... that's probably not a normal reaction for someone who is okay with not being pregnant. But, I guess I'll just wait and see what happens. I mean, if I really am not pregnant that means I can go out this weekend to Old Chicago for $2 LIT night and get plastered. Though, my best going out friend is in Vegas this week :(

Anyways, I just wanted to provide an update. I'm still an emotional basketcase as far as being totally pissed one second and then ready to cry the next but that still could just be from the period wanting to show up in a few days... We'll see...

By the way, I found out that my brother has strep throat... that in and of itself isn't really all that significant but, the fact that I've been feeling so miserable and stuff, maybe that's all my problem is. Maybe I just got strep throat since it does seem to be going around. Although, I am one of the most anti-social people I know so I'm not sure how I would have gotten it from somebody...

As far as the countdown to Florida goes, we have 14 days til we leave. I am so freaking excited! I really just want to get out of Kentucky and out of this miserable air. They say the Ohio River Valley is the worst place for someone with asthma to live. I guess maybe I'm just asking for a death sentence...

I'm kind of stressing out about all the stuff I need to get done before we leave for Florida. I have a paralegal competency exam that I'm required to take before I leave for Florida so that I will be able to graduate. Since I will be gone the week the exam is offered, I have to take the exam early on May 24th. I'm a little bit nervous about it. Although, the professor told me that I don't have to "pass" in order to graduate. I think it's just a thing for the school to be evaluated so they can remain an accredited school...

Also, before leaving for Florida, I have to finish a like 12-page memmorandum for my attorney who I'm doing the externship with. I have barely even started on the thing! I have to clean out my rabbit cages, turtle tank, and kitty litter box. Plus, I have a graduation seminar on Saturday morning and an eye doctor appointment that afternoon. Then, I still have to pack. Oh yeah, and I have three finals that I have to take! I know I tend to stress out about things but that's a lot of stuff to need to get done in two weeks! I really wanted to go get a pedicure the day before Florida but I highly doubt that will happen since I feel so busy already. I guess, as always, we'll have to wait and see...