baby bump... maybe?

Nausea, random cravings, headaches, bloating, gas, tired, dizziness, frequent urination, sore boobs... yeah, I'm thinking there's a child growing inside of me... and its stressing me the fk out!
I took a preggo test on Saturday or something but it came back negative... but, I'm pretty sure it was way too early to get a good reading.
Now I'm stressing myself out wondering if it is or it isn't and I have to wait for another 4 or 5 days before I can know! ugh... Then, if I'm not, I gotta figure out why I'm having all these problems...
And if I am, OMG... wtf am I going to do with a kid?! I'm not even married... Hell, I'm not even engaged! I can't even get my boyfriend to say he plans to marry me at some point in his life... I feel like I'm pretty much screwed... As fun as it would be to tell my child "yeah, your daddy and I only got married b/c I got pregnant with you"... I always told myself I would never be that person but, it's kind of looking like I may not have any choice... That is, if he even decides he wants to marry me if I am carrying his child... Ugh...

I mean, I keep telling myself that the reasone he won't talk much about getting married is b/c he plans to surprise me with a ring when we go to Florida in about 18 days... But, what if he doesn't ask while we're there?? We've been dating for 1 year, 4 months, and 1 day today and I would think that by this time, he'd know if he wants me in his life or not. We have been living together officially for 3.5 months... Actually, for the first time since the very beginning of our relationship we're getting along great! We hardly ever argue and we seem like we're caring for one another more and more... I don't know, maybe that's all in my head. For all I know, he's completely miserable and can't wait to get rid of me.

But the thing is, the past two times we have gone over his mother's house, his little brother (who is 8) has asked Chris if he and I are going to get married... Chris' response: "I don't know if I can put up with her that long"... WTF is that?! and then when he starts telling me that I'm going to have kids and I start asking about our future, he says he "hasn't decided if he wants to marry me or not"... seriously?!

So, to say the least, I am stressed. I'm to the point now that if he can't commit to me then I'm going to have to give him an ultimatum... I mean, I never thought I'd be the chick living with my boyfriend and not even knowing for sure if we're going to be engaged and eventually get married... I've always felt that living together is a sure sign of an unstable relationship that is just destined to fail... But, here I am... And there he is being all indecisive... How am I supposed to deal with that?!

Then to think we might be bringing a child into this disfunction?? Yeah, what a way to be at ease and okay with being pregnant. Plus, I'm still in college! I'll have my associate's degree in October and if I'm not pregnant, I will have my bachelor's degree in September of next year... I just wanted to be able to finish school, get married, and then start a family. Not start a family, finish school, then get married...

FUCK!

My life seriously is not supposed to be like this... and the thing is, I really want to be carrying a child at this point... Like, if I take a test in less than a week and it comes back negative, I'm going to seriously be disappointed... But what right do I have to be disappointed about a test when I can't really even decide if having a child would be a good thing for anyone involved right now...

Oh, and Chris' solution to all of this... "don't worry about it. It will be okay. It's not like you can do anything about it right now anyways".. Yeah, cuz all of that is a hell of a lot of help! not... I don't need him to tell me it's all going to be okay. I need him to show me it's all going to be okay. I mean hell, he can't even take me out to a decent dinner date anymore... How can I expect him to step away from modifying his car long enough to make sure a baby and a family are cared for??

I mean, I know he makes more than enough money that he could easily provide for a child but, I know that I don't make more than enough money to provide for a child so he will be the one doing the biggest part of the financial providing and I think he will hold that against me... which I really don't think is fair. It's not my fault that I am in school full time right now and working full time and I don't have time for a second job and I'm not healthy enough to go back to refereeing basketball games...

Shit! He works making like 3 or 4 dollars more an hour than I do and then works a second job... If I could do something like that you better believe I would. I hate knowing that I need to depend on someone else for money and shit...

But whatever... that is my rant for right now... If I figure anything new out, I might post it on here... but this shit is stressful!!